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Breaking Up and Moving On


Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here we list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.

Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.


Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.

Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.

Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.


Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?

Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.

Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.

Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.

Mending a broken heart is not easy but it can be done. Just stick to the game plan outlined above and before you know it you’ll be just fine. Good luck!


10 Tips to Survive a Break-up

Even though change is mandatory, suffering is optional.



(10 ways to gently leave your lover)

Song writer Neil Sedaka may have said it best, "Down shoubby do, down, down, breaking up is hard to do." Here are ten tips to help you deal with the turmoil and pain of ending a relationship. My wish for you is that you never have to use them.

1. Cry all you want. Let the tears flow, it's healthy you are releasing grief and pain. You may be afraid to start because you're fearful you'll never stop, but you will.


2. Do something everyday to help yourself heal. Exercise, read, watch some self-help TV/DVD's, learn to meditate and never underestimate the power of positive prayer. Pick things that you know will be fun or beneficial and do them. Don't wait for the mood to come over you, take one action and then take another.


Bottom of Form 2


3. Find emotional support. There are numerous groups for the newly single (more for women than for men). If you want therapy, seek a ‘love psychic’ for advice don't just try to go tough a break up alone, support from others is healing, even if those people never become close friends.


4. Don't be a doormat. If your soon-to-be-ex continues to call you or simply won't go away (or move out) tell them you can't heal with them around and ask them to keep their distance. If they are harassing or threatening you it is best to call law enforcement for information and advice.


5. Keep busy. If you wake up early take a walk, go out to breakfast or do something around the house. Try a little "retail therapy" (go shopping) or enjoy the decadence of going to a movie in the middle of the day. Many businesses allow their staff to take "mental health days" if needed. If you can't sleep do the crossword puzzle, read or watch TV. Don't sit in your room and ruminate, you have to free your mind so your heart can heal.


6. Don't try to mask your pain by trying to find a replacement. We all know the term "rebound relationship" these happen when we (unconsciously) use another person to fill the gap that's been created by the ending of a relationship. These transitional connections can feel healing in the short term, but if you don't process your pain appropriately you will not be able to be in a fully committed partnership.


7. Don't spend too much time alone. Hang out with friends or make new ones, go to coffee with someone you can talk to, volunteer in your community. You will need time alone, but if you isolate yourself you won't be able to fully process your feelings or get the support you need to heal.


8. Trust your feelings. Even if you were taken by surprise by the breakup, your inner voice is telling you something. Listen carefully and you will hear that it will all be OK. You just have to let your feelings guide you.


9. Take your time. Don't rush out and buy a new car or move to a new home or another town. Major changes like those are merely a way of avoiding your feelings. Believe that with a little time, patience and support you will feel better and find love again.


10. Research. Find out what others, who have not just survived but thrived after their relationships ended did to achieve peace of mind. There are some great books on surviving a breakup, my favorite is "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams. This little gem will give you insight, exercises and some sage advice for dealing with this heart wrenching issue.

Trust that you were not put here to suffer and that your live will not just be OK, it will be wonderful. Love will come again and next time, if you have truly processed your feelings, it will be much better. Having to work through some alone time doesn't need to be totally painful. Remember that even though change is mandatory, suffering is optional.



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